Self-confidence is extremely sexy to a woman. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that, more than a man’s good looks and more than his gentlemanly manner, confidence is the trigger trait that makes a woman want to get naked.
You remember that scene in Goodfellas when Ray Liotta takes Lorraine Bracco to the Copa? He slips her through the back door, tipping heavies the whole way, chatting up other wiseguys, and finally ending up at a table in front of the stage. Liotta had something much more important than a roll of Franklins: He had confidence. And its effect on Bracco was clear. You knew he was getting laid that night.
“Women want a man with steel balls,” says R. Don Steele, without a hint of irony in his voice. Steele is the author of Body Language Secrets: A Guide during Courtship and Dating. “This desire is evolutionary. Females want someone who’s not going to run from a fight, a man who is confident in his ability to provide and protect.”
Simply put, confidence gets the girl. So if you want to be more attractive to women, show your bravado. But I don’t mean by pounding your chest or the drunk at the end of the bar. You don’t have to be a wiseguy to make yourself instantly irresistible. Here are some more-effective techniques.
Walk This Way
“Women look first at your attire and second at how you walk,” says Steele. Keep your wardrobe stylish and impeccable. Ashley Rothschild, a Los Angeles-based image consultant, suggests you emulate the look of a successful public man in your business arena. She also thinks you’d look hot in a leather jacket. It’s classic. It’s Steve McQueen.
Your stride? Slow down. “Confident people are not in a hurry,” says Steele. “But there’s a difference between meandering and walking slowly with purpose. Always walk as if you know what you’re doing and where you’re going.”
Look into Her Eyes
Tell her you love her dimples while gazing at her feet and you’ll reek of emotional insecurity. If locking eyes with a stranger feels uncomfortable, focus on her mouth and she’ll never know the difference, says Renee Piane, a motivational speaker and author of Love Mechanics: Power Tools to Build Successful Relationships. Staring elsewhere makes you appear uninterested, inattentive, or insincere—especially during sweet talk.
Also, she’ll respond best to realistic compliments. “You’re the physical embodiment of everything I look for in a woman” will immediately set off her bullsh–t alarm. “You’ve got beautiful eyelashes” will make her blush.
Take a Compliment
When she says she likes your dimples, simply “smile and say thank you,” says Susan RoAne, author of How to Work a Room. Insecure people deflect compliments by asking, “Really? You think so?” or by listing reasons they don’t deserve the compliment. Secure people accept praise gracefully and without ado.
Call Before Day 3
She gave you her number. Use it within 48 hours or you’ll look either scared or stupid for resorting to high-school mind games. Nervous? Manage the cold call as you would a business call.
“Executives are action-oriented, gathering information and wasting no time in getting a project started. Apply these tactics to your private life,” suggests Judith Coche, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Pennsylvania. “If you fail, move on. It’s not about personal rejection—it’s the business of making stuff work,” says Coche.
Perform at the Beep
If you get her voice mail, leave a message. To convey confidence, your voice should be deep and moderately loud. Stand up and hum a little before you call—it will bring your voice to the ideal pitch.
“Say who you are, where you met, and why you’re calling,” says Kent Sayre, author of Unstoppable Confidence. “Don’t seek her approval. Instead, ask a question that presupposes her interest in you, like, ‘How soon would you like to get together?’ That way it’s not a matter of yes or no.” Leave your number and ask her to call you back. If she doesn’t, call her again a couple of days later.
Don’t Expose Your Negatives
When talking about yourself, keep it positive. Stick to your best attributes and the interests you’re most passionate about. “Give the press-release version of you,” says Kate Wachs, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Relationships for Dummies. “Tell her everything good about your life that you wouldn’t mind seeing in 4-inch-high letters on the front page of the newspaper the next morning.”
Have a Seat
Knowledge breeds confidence. Do you know where to sit during a dinner date? Always position yourself at a 90-degree angle to her instead of straight on, says Steele. If she sits at the end of the table, sit in the first seat to her left.
Turn toward her from the waist, which will give her the opportunity to turn toward you. “Women don’t like a full-frontal assault. It’s intimidating,” says Steele. “A confident man realizes he should give the woman the choice to turn to him, and he is sure that she will.”
Be Direct
If you’d like to go into her apartment, tell her at the door—and skip the excuse about needing to use her bathroom. Want to kiss her goodnight? Go for it. “Kissing someone is an emotional thing, and asking [permission] diverts it into a cognitive realm instead,” says Wachs. “Women hate that.”
Celebrate Her Success
A confident man doesn’t feel emasculated if the woman he’s with makes more money than he does; he takes it as a compliment. “More than ever, successful single women earning more than $60K a year are looking for warm, loving men,” says Coche. “They’re more selective in their partner choice because they can afford to reprioritize.”
Truth is, she wouldn’t be dating you if she didn’t at least want to think you’re a catch. It’s when you believe it yourself that she’ll be convinced.
Kristina Grish | Men’s Health
